Let us all go and fornicate!

It's as if I am a misfit. I don't belong or relate to anything besides you. So here in lies my fault. You understand right? Of course you do, yes-- it is as logical as any mathematical deed. It’s a simple problem involving a simple solution. A year ago today, I had dreams. I dreamt like a boy unexposed to the world. I was immature, unknowing, and nothing had hurt me. I believed that nothing could hurt me. And in a way I have not changed.

But I came into contact with worldly things, complex things, and emotions that still need to be dealt with daily. Such pain and hurt you've caused, that I should, rather need, to say thank you. For it was through you that I met the world. I’ve done so much and received nothing! But there in lies the beauty of it all. It doesn’t matter how much I give because the lesson will be for those to figure out what I have given. I will never expect anything in return from anyone. And true—it’s a valid point that I was angry and bitter. I denied God. I denied Love. I said no to this world—its mountains and lakes, rivers within valleys, geographic separations that all denied me my aspirations. I became hateful and shunned away all hope for something to become of this. All that I had was that. I didn’t want to let it go. I prayed, I yelled, I ran about hopeless and desperate because I knew it couldn’t last. And it didn’t. It went fast and now that it’s gone I’ve come to terms with a few things.

All I can think of is a story I thought up to compare. Once there was a man who had a dog. And one day that dog needed to run away. It knew the woods and mountains. And it was time for it to leave and discover the world. When the man woke one day—his wife having died years before—his only companion had left him. And he was desperate like I. He ran around his farm yelling. He cursed the dog. He said there was no God because this pain he was feeling, none could fix. He shouted that if there were a God he didn’t matter. And so he searched the woods and climbed the mountains. The old man learned all he could to be like the dog and to find him one day. And then he stopped by a river and sat down thinking. It didn’t matter anymore.

He had spent all his time—nearly a year, being so angry at his dog that ran away. He wondered why. He had given the dog everything—possibly even more! He gave him food and allowed him to even sleep at the foot of his bed. He loved the dog so much and he knew the dog loved him too. They were all they had for each other. But then the old man figured, wherever that son of a bitch is, a little runt that he had taken care of since he was a puppy—wherever his good boy is, he is happy. And that’s all that the old man cared about. His loneliness and rage wasn’t for the dog and his actions—but for humanity’s incapable ways of controlling our destinies.

And that’s how I am. I cannot control one single thing except the way in which I perceive things to be. And that old man can no longer be enraged like myself. We must learn to become one with what is happening and perceive it to be a thing of positive light—of endless hope and possibilities. Yet we will always question and always be deeply hurt at the woes that we have experienced. The anguish of love and of asking an indifferent universe questions of complexity that we have no understanding of: is what irks me to the most inner parts of my soul. For I thought about you! I screamed at the black night my hate for God, my contempt for fellow man, and the hurt that I have experienced—How I wanted it to be experienced in your heart as well! I wanted ever so much to yell it across the pond in my neighboring town and have it travel to your ears so you would know. But the sun rises earlier there and the seasons are opposite like our feelings. I have no more hate to spread and no more love to give to you. And like my made up old man, we are tired of traveling intellectual roads of questioning. And we know now that it is all so insignificant. For if you and his beloved dog are happy, we through the laws of necessity must be as well. So here’s to my coming nights and early days, my dreams of love will become filled with lust—and I raise my glass for you, the old man, his dog, and for all of humanity—let us go fornicate! Cheers to Happiness! Cheers to Lust! Cheers to the rising sun and all that it will bring with it! For I am no longer sad or lonesome and love will find me behind it, tapping it on the shoulder saying “You’re it!” I have a crush and an eye for brighter days in life. The constant rush won’t stop and the loneliness will always be there. But I will begin each day with a hope that may tremble from time to time—but will stand with me—even when all else has run away. Even—when all else has run away.